What I Learned from My Cousin’s Suicide
In April 2012, my second cousin Dawn committed suicide. My mom told me in a text message while I was at a concert. I was never really close to Dawn. We only saw each other at family events and even when we did there wasn’t much conversation. As soon as I heard about her death, I instantly missed her. I couldn’t even remember the last time I talked to her, which made me feel guilty. I asked my mom how she died — it was suicide. I was and still am so confused. She was in her mid-thirties, mother of three kids, and one of the perkiest people I have ever met. Why would she want to die?
I felt worse for other people in my family that knew her on a more intimate level than I did. The whole family on my mother’s side was devastated. I felt even worse when I realized that I couldn’t attend the funeral. It was near the end of the semester and I couldn’t miss any more days of class without receiving a low grade. My family understood. However, I knew that this could be an excused absence. I think a part of me didn’t want to go to the funeral. I thought I was the worst person for feeling this way. She was my cousin and I should be there with my family, but I just couldn’t.
When I think about Dawn today, I still get the same feeling of confusion and pain. I think about all of the times when I have considered suicide. Seeing my mom’s reaction to Dawn’s death made me feel unbelievably selfish for even thinking about killing myself, especially when I was younger. It would have broken her heart, as well as everyone else in my family. Her suicide changed my whole attitude on life. Any time I feel alone I think about how she could have felt the same. Then I remind myself that I’m not alone and neither was she. We have people in our lives who love us.
